Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Growth.

It's simple, the task is to grow and acknowledge the growth. Once you've acknowledged the road you've traveled you must succumb to the change. If not, the growth was in vain...or so it would seem. 

Self-less.

Now, more than ever have I put my own wants to the side. I've moved disposable things from my heart and created a crevice for another. 

Grow. Live. Accept. Succumb. 

Pathos.

Say it loud...

For a long time I was ashamed of being rich, being strong, being the ancestor to the mother of all mankind....but today, I'm twenty and able to appreciate me.

Black.

Power.

Unashamed.

Uninhibited.

Free.

Intelligent.

Striving.

In seven days I may be able to correctly and technically say, "my president is black."  My president may just be a black man. Yes, it holds a good ring to your ears for two years, but when you actually become conscious of the fact, it's indeed a wonderful feeling.

Black, I am. Proud, I am. Black is beautiful. Therefore, I am...

Simplistic Fall Air.

Simplicity is key.

It's the most simplistic piece of information one could give. Fall is here. The trees are dancing with the wind. The air is so crisp, not too cold, not too hot. Just right.

Comfortable are the months of October and November. Simplistic.

My Heavy Heart....

No longer will I mourn the death of my Aunt.No longer will I live within this box I have created for myself!

My aunt lived a long and prosperous life. She served others, never being selfish. A very humble woman, one in which I aspire to be. She raised my cousins the right way, she loved me the right way, she cared with genuine concern. I consign the peach trees, pine trees and pecans to her very existence.

Nature personifies us all.She reminds me of Zora Neale Hurston's,"Their Eyes Were Watching God"

Learning to find peace in not such peaceful places is daring, but I'm doing.

My heavy heart, is light...

RIP Aunnie.

Inside troubles & realizations.

It's been a month today. Wow, sometimes I forget how busy I am, being busy. Junior year has commenced and we are well on our way. All the excitement is long gone and the realization of being “old in Howard years” has set in. I’m here, whether I want to be or not.

I’ve been so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that I forgot to think about reality. I’ve learned something about myself in the past month, I have developed this mechanism that if I don’t think about it or see it, it doesn’t exist. Even if that “it” is something important. I’ve put off worrying about grand-father because I pretended he was okay. I put off worrying about how I betrayed my brothers by ignoring them. Now, I’m hit with reality and it hurts. You know, I’m really tired of reality hitting me, she’s no sucker when it comes to smacks in the face. I appreciate her though.

For a few days I felt so alone. Yes, I have my best-friend and my extended family, I appreciate them so much, they’ve dealt with a lot in the past four weeks and that affirms that they are truly in my corner. So then, you wonder, what’s the issue? Well, my kin is no where to be found, no support. I feel alone, like a misfit, I always have.

A good friend of mine told me God was trying to get me alone, he wants me to see that physically I have a team of supporters but when they don’t answer the phone or they’re coping with their own hells, I have him. I spend too much time talking to God, not enough time listening. Well “Big Homie” I’m done talking…I open my heart to what you want to tell me. All ears.

I’m too young to experience this second decade crisis -- I digress -- I would go ahead and call it a mid-life crisis but society tells me I can’t have that until I’m 40, but who is to say this isn’t the middle of MY life?

Spiritually I am growing and filling myself with more of the Lord and in this spiritual journey I plan to shut up and listen. I plan to cleanse myself and start anew. I may even switch over to vegetarian. I’m doing this for my own cleansing and beneficial reasons. 

I’ll leave anyone in my position with this, a quote my big sister shared with me, “impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given rather than explore the power they have within them to change it. Impossible is not a fact, its an opinion, impossible isn’t a declaration it’s a DARE!”

 

Is all that we know...?

I've been had. Hoodwinked. Fooled. Led astray. Deceived. Duped. Outwitted and TRICKED.

Damn. Damn. Damn. You think you know a person and then the light is flicked on and who you thought was there, wasn't there at all. 

Vulnerability is the best way for me to explain this. I loved him, well, I loved who I THOUGHT he was. I called him my brother, my friend, my rock and I trusted him with my life, with my thoughts and my secrets. I let him in. HURT. 

If I could talk to him again, I'd be afraid. Fearful because the power I thought he had, he did, just not under the circumstances in which I was ready to deal with. Where will life take you? Why did you fool us? Were your words genuine or was I just a pawn in your game? Answer me! 

Traumatized. I watched my hope walk away in handcuffs. . .

O.P.I nail polish and Erykah Badu

I listened to 2.4 hours worth of Erykah Badu, something from every album. She soothes my inner beast, hell, she just soothes me.

Solitude.

I think I'll use these last two weeks to gather my thoughts, my peace and my intellect. I'm ready to tackle Junior year like God planned for me to do. No more cliques, no more drama, no more extra. People tend to be my downfall because I seem to give people a certain power, pfft, not again.

Twenty minute shower. Scrubbing, thinking, singing, humming, praising, wishing.

Twenty minutes later; clean and happy.

Smelling good, feeling fine.

Enough with Erykah,

lets put itunes on shuffle.

Chrisette Michelle - Mr. Radio.

Yes, sing to me. "is there more than the physical" - over here, yep and that's what draws me in.

I'm all over the place tonight, but I like it. Free and doing me.

I'll be back when what I have to say makes sense...

happy & refusing to go back.

I used to listen to 'Rihanna - Cry' religiously, "I'm not the type to get my heart broken, I'm not the type to get upset and cry, 'cause I never leave my heart open". Now, I don't. I listen to old school love songs, songs about falling, being in and entering love. 

Some people have been skeptics and honestly, it bothered me because I value peoples opinions. Then, I remembered, I was a different Morgan a few weeks back and no matter what anyone says, I'm happy. I'm good. I'm smitten. All negativity is fictitious; it ceases to exist around these parts. 

Excuse me if I offend, but, 

Nothing even matters...

Building Blocks of Love

I was over at Pink Wire and her most recent blog sparked a little somethin' - somethin'.

Guy meets girl, or, girl meets guy. There's obviously a physical attraction but most sensible people start to consider what type of person they're dealing with. Rather than laying down, entering and releasing we should talk and feel people out. This would be the courting phase. (dating, talking, chilling, kicking it - whatever you call it)

Go to the arcade, parks, bowling, play twister, uno, take a trip to the zoo. Have an interview with the person, figure out where their head is. Dating should be fun, never too serious and if your going on several dates he/she must be fond of you. Don't rush, don't fall. Allow yourself to experience new things, it keeps things interesting

Relationships become options and often the topic of discussion between the couple and often times, their friends. Don't feel pressured. Do it in your own time. (Another issue I've had in the past) I was always taught to cherish being courted because the sweet dates and door holding start to diminish and you start spending your Friday nights in the house. Titles are bull- it doesn't make him or her anymore yours than the next person. If anything, the titles runs your significant other off. People start to deviate from the plan and true colors start to present themselves. Tisk, tisk.

FINAL POINT - You probably won't get past a first date if you give yourself so soon. What's left to chase if you've already gotten the goodies?

Ladies, Gentlemen, Smuts & Whoremongers...if you all cannot follow these steps you will be shipped to the whore conquest I have created in Iran. Just kiddin' ;-)

well, hello mister turtle.

In my opinion, a turtle is the smartest and most unique creation. he protects himself with himself, a splendid defense mechanism.

Hiding; within my shell.
Scared to take a chance, far from brave.

Lately, they've all been telling me, "it's okay to take a chance.." - "don't stand in the way of your own happiness" - "be free.." Well, I've done that before and it took me about four months to stop crying myself to sleep and almost a year to get over him. Mending a broken heart is left up to its owner, so it's easy for people to say, "take a chance". I'm debating on sticking my head out, love is a risk. Don't get it twisted, I'm not out for that, but fondness is a gateway to love and, I honestly don't know if that's where I want to be.

I vowed to never again be that love-drunk-starry eyed- chump.

Could that vow cause me something nice?
Eh.

Erykah Badu says, "think twice before we start something nice"

KATE NASH!

I'm significantly late, because I've been jamming to her for about a month now, but I usually keep my favorites to myself --yes, quite selfish.

KATE NASH.

KATE NASH.

KATE NASH.

KATE NASH.

DOWNLOAD OR BUY FOR $0.99 ON iTUNES... 

KATE NASH - PUMPKIN SOUP

:0) 

"hi haters?"

Okay, this has been heavy on my heart for a substantial amount of time now...

I see people have become accustomed to reiterating some rap song where the chorus repeats..."you see me, hi haters". I guess that's cool, but the people that repeat the chorus to this song, in my opinion, don't have haters.

What constitutes a hater?
What should you possess to be worthy of haters?

Where I'm from, most males either go to unaccredited colleges/universities, stay home and sell drugs or go to the gogo and take tons of pictures, hundreds of dollars worth to be exact.

You are NOT qualified to have haters my friends. Get a degree, your own spot, your own goals and start striving to achieve them before you dare part your lips to say someone is hating.

'tisall.

Estelle

I'm a little late with completely listening to the Estelle, "Shine" album but I'm done and the track, 'no substitute love' is off the hook and it speaks to me and my current situations.

Amen, over & out.

I lay on my couch, in reverse. My head on the ottoman where ones feet belong my feet up against the wall. Listening to songs that make me happy.

...happy.

Sometimes we tend to look in all the wrong places for happiness. Men, Women, even material possessions. Though I've tried, I truly find it in myself, in my own space, in my own time.

....happy.

Its a beautiful place to be, the sad thing is that we often occupy "happiness" for short periods of time. Never going back for more and not because we choose such. But, because, we don't know that happiness is never further than yourself.

Can your heart be in two places at once?

People used to say, "as your grow older your perception of love evolves."

Very true. I learned that the heart never really stops loving if it was truly in love to begin with. I often question the genuineness of love. I know the difference between the loves I feel for each of the people I am writing about but I don't understand if it is at all right. 

Can you love three people at the same time? Of course, the levels of love don't compare...I want to know, can you?

who really has your back?

When people answer that question...they'll say one of two things:

1. Your family.

2. Your close friends.

Much to his, hers and my dismay....that's the furthest from true.

Family just means you come from the same place but are inevitably branching off, much like a tree. They'll cut you deep, lie on and to you and when you make "it" they'll claim you owe them things and suck away your funds. They are energy vampires. Now, they definitely don't have your back!

Friends should be the last people you depend on and if you do, don't be silly enough to call them your family, because in the aforementioned description of family....they let you down the most.

I'm realizing all I have is me. When I think of a best-friend the greatest is my mother because no matter how upset I make her, she never judges, never lies and never sells me out.

You can't trust anyone or anything but yourself and your own ability to fend for yourself.

I have my back. I hold me down and it took me 20 years and 8 days to see it.

...to twenty.

So as I near my twentieth birthday God keeps showing me things.

It's weird. I like it, but it scares me. I guess I'm finally getting the hang of using this gift God has blessed me with. He told me yesterday that someone in my circle is a snake. He told me this after I hung up from a "friend". Not sure if that was his way of saying its that person or what.

I turn twenty in five days and I leave for the west coast in four. Needless to say, my bags aren't packed! As soon as I touch down I'm going to the beach to meditate. To talk to my creator and to thank him for bringing me clarity on me.

the space between heart & mind.

I can remember a time when, people were skeptical. They didn't know if it was a wise decision but instead, I chose to listen to my heart.

Today, I now know that heart is seperate from the mind. Your mind is what should be calling the shots, because it sees all and feels all before the heart does. The heart lags behind, unaware. My heart still wants every now and then, no matter who is aesthetically pleasing to my eye at the time. There are some relationships and some people (partners) that you'll never forget. Some partners your heart will never stop loving.

Blah.

School Daze

After I came back from BOMBING my Econ final I heard Miss Alicia Keys had a new video.
So, of course I peeped it and immediately fell in love. Clearly the inspiration for the video was Spike Lee's School Daze and being a Howard University student, I LOVE the thought of it.

School Daze is loosely based on Howard University. (Not to toot our own horn or anything) From the political activism on the steps of Douglass hall to the good and bad hair complex. It's a timeless movie and one of the many reasons I love Howard! Go Bison!!

On to better news;

• I have a house! No more dorms and loud intercom interruptions!
• HE wants to marry me and I'm beginning to think this is more than just a joke. It's like a constant upbringing of marriage and children. I guess I'm not as ready for love as I thought. =/

Looking back..

Sometimes my friends and I sit down and have soul sessions. A question was posed, what was your greatest lost since you first came to school.

Honestly, leaving the security blanket we call "home" and that building that some what shaped me into the person I continue to grow into (high school) was the best move ever. Moving into my dorm freshmen year and meeting all the people I met molded me. I've grown so much and all that I've endured has manifested itself in the young woman I have become today. Each day I grow and learn more about myself, more about life and the journey I chose to partake to peace. Life is beautiful, for lack of a better description. Beauty always comes with vices and life definitely has those. I've certainly learned to love the good and the bad, because it is what defines the struggle, it is what defines the glory.

I used to want to be like people, but I'm so blessed that I am who I am. I don't know what others have endured to become who they are today and they don't know my trials. We are all different, even family, though we come from the same place we are going in different directions and I've learned I can do nothing but respect that. Perhaps, I am officially a woman. Officially aware of God's doings, my beauty, my gifts and my curses.

Looking back, I am exactly who I aspired to be.

Life for you has just begun..

I watched nine months of belly, and 15 minutes of pushing. Out came a beautiful child. A beautiful being that deserved a chance. Watching a woman give birth is concrete enough to no longer believe that abortions are the answer the "mistakes", I see now that a child is not a mistake it is God's greatest gift to life. Better than the trees, better than the grass, better than the birds. It's a brand new life; pure and happy. You carried a child, you now hold that child and I can only image how much you want to protect them. The perils that will come, you hope to shield them from such, well, for as long as you can. Perhaps, a mother knows their infant will fall down, stumble and get back up but in that moment, she'd like to play super-mom. Life has just begun and all that they'll aspire to be will be in arms reach. It's a beautiful gift. 2008 is a year filled with the beautiful gift of life and for me, they are all my inspiration. Motivation if you will; to do better, to be better and to achieve better.

Life is a beautiful thing.

For: Khmari Antione Bing & Kory Allen Sims

the knight.

He stands so tall and firm in his beliefs,
he abides by his principles, and this May of 2008, he would have accomplished he primary objective.

He's a noble man who finally grasped the concept, "you don't have to lie to me"..

And he doesn't. All that he says he is, does and did. True. He never gave me reason to believe he was anything other than a great man. He's my knight in shining armor. Oh, but literally.

He is a man, all that he set out for, he has obtained. A true fighter, like my daddy and maybe that's why I'm so inclined to him.


California. Oakland to be exact.

liberate your mind, then you go on home..

I took it back on that ass;

Artist: Outkast
Album: Aquemini
Single: Liberation


- I had recently stumbled upon it some weeks ago when I was at home peeping my old cds and I fell back in love. Mainly because I'm older and I've learned a lot about life, true music and peace.

But, back to the title, 'liberate your mind then you go on home'...it's so real and yet so beautiful. I'm trying to obtain just that. Freeing my mind of mental slavery, confusion and lies...then I'll die and meet the most high.

.....sounds good to me!

just not enough

4am- thoughts continuously roam my mind. I'll probably never be enough.

Well, that is if they paid me a dime for my thoughts and even then, i'd be worth very little.

Face it; smart just won't cut it.

invisible woman, parallel to the invisible man ralph ellison so eloquently wrote of. running from a past, afraid of a futuer, but the man did what he knew he had to. no fears of his outer- elements. she, too afraid to go beyond herself.

Now. She's crying out for some clarity, some stability. Invisible she; can never be who they are and maybe that defeats her. not being them.

...maybe its this blurred early morning vision.

Life.

Curl up in a ball and die, but, like the phoenix I hope to rise again.

Alone, when its all said and done those words of advice are for self-fullfilment, they wipe a tear and rub your back but that's their own confirmation. no one truly cares, for if they did no call would go unanswered, or unreturned. life itself is paradoxal, I cannot phatom.

leave me be. I'll be okay, or, I'll pretend I am anyway. Please - just, leave me to my thoughts.
Can you see?


Hey, its 4am.

the return..

I had to delete my last blogspot, for business reasons....but, I'm bacccckk!!

I had this reoccurring thought so I figured I should regurgitate my thoughts..

"good is greats enemy."

A persons greatness shouldn't be measured by their activities, their strengths or their resume. Greatness should be measured by what your bound to do, by what your motivated to accomplish and by what you possess.

I saw something today. A few things really. I'm able to do all and be all but I'm way too shy. Does that make me the opposite of great? i think NOT. The masses, or the minorities (depends on how you look at it) can keep pushing and i'll keep praying. Praying for strength to manifest my GREATNESS.