Monday, September 22, 2008

Inside troubles & realizations.

It's been a month today. Wow, sometimes I forget how busy I am, being busy. Junior year has commenced and we are well on our way. All the excitement is long gone and the realization of being “old in Howard years” has set in. I’m here, whether I want to be or not.

I’ve been so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that I forgot to think about reality. I’ve learned something about myself in the past month, I have developed this mechanism that if I don’t think about it or see it, it doesn’t exist. Even if that “it” is something important. I’ve put off worrying about grand-father because I pretended he was okay. I put off worrying about how I betrayed my brothers by ignoring them. Now, I’m hit with reality and it hurts. You know, I’m really tired of reality hitting me, she’s no sucker when it comes to smacks in the face. I appreciate her though.

For a few days I felt so alone. Yes, I have my best-friend and my extended family, I appreciate them so much, they’ve dealt with a lot in the past four weeks and that affirms that they are truly in my corner. So then, you wonder, what’s the issue? Well, my kin is no where to be found, no support. I feel alone, like a misfit, I always have.

A good friend of mine told me God was trying to get me alone, he wants me to see that physically I have a team of supporters but when they don’t answer the phone or they’re coping with their own hells, I have him. I spend too much time talking to God, not enough time listening. Well “Big Homie” I’m done talking…I open my heart to what you want to tell me. All ears.

I’m too young to experience this second decade crisis -- I digress -- I would go ahead and call it a mid-life crisis but society tells me I can’t have that until I’m 40, but who is to say this isn’t the middle of MY life?

Spiritually I am growing and filling myself with more of the Lord and in this spiritual journey I plan to shut up and listen. I plan to cleanse myself and start anew. I may even switch over to vegetarian. I’m doing this for my own cleansing and beneficial reasons. 

I’ll leave anyone in my position with this, a quote my big sister shared with me, “impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given rather than explore the power they have within them to change it. Impossible is not a fact, its an opinion, impossible isn’t a declaration it’s a DARE!”