Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Growth.

It's simple, the task is to grow and acknowledge the growth. Once you've acknowledged the road you've traveled you must succumb to the change. If not, the growth was in vain...or so it would seem. 

Self-less.

Now, more than ever have I put my own wants to the side. I've moved disposable things from my heart and created a crevice for another. 

Grow. Live. Accept. Succumb. 

Pathos.

Say it loud...

For a long time I was ashamed of being rich, being strong, being the ancestor to the mother of all mankind....but today, I'm twenty and able to appreciate me.

Black.

Power.

Unashamed.

Uninhibited.

Free.

Intelligent.

Striving.

In seven days I may be able to correctly and technically say, "my president is black."  My president may just be a black man. Yes, it holds a good ring to your ears for two years, but when you actually become conscious of the fact, it's indeed a wonderful feeling.

Black, I am. Proud, I am. Black is beautiful. Therefore, I am...

Simplistic Fall Air.

Simplicity is key.

It's the most simplistic piece of information one could give. Fall is here. The trees are dancing with the wind. The air is so crisp, not too cold, not too hot. Just right.

Comfortable are the months of October and November. Simplistic.

My Heavy Heart....

No longer will I mourn the death of my Aunt.No longer will I live within this box I have created for myself!

My aunt lived a long and prosperous life. She served others, never being selfish. A very humble woman, one in which I aspire to be. She raised my cousins the right way, she loved me the right way, she cared with genuine concern. I consign the peach trees, pine trees and pecans to her very existence.

Nature personifies us all.She reminds me of Zora Neale Hurston's,"Their Eyes Were Watching God"

Learning to find peace in not such peaceful places is daring, but I'm doing.

My heavy heart, is light...

RIP Aunnie.

Inside troubles & realizations.

It's been a month today. Wow, sometimes I forget how busy I am, being busy. Junior year has commenced and we are well on our way. All the excitement is long gone and the realization of being “old in Howard years” has set in. I’m here, whether I want to be or not.

I’ve been so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that I forgot to think about reality. I’ve learned something about myself in the past month, I have developed this mechanism that if I don’t think about it or see it, it doesn’t exist. Even if that “it” is something important. I’ve put off worrying about grand-father because I pretended he was okay. I put off worrying about how I betrayed my brothers by ignoring them. Now, I’m hit with reality and it hurts. You know, I’m really tired of reality hitting me, she’s no sucker when it comes to smacks in the face. I appreciate her though.

For a few days I felt so alone. Yes, I have my best-friend and my extended family, I appreciate them so much, they’ve dealt with a lot in the past four weeks and that affirms that they are truly in my corner. So then, you wonder, what’s the issue? Well, my kin is no where to be found, no support. I feel alone, like a misfit, I always have.

A good friend of mine told me God was trying to get me alone, he wants me to see that physically I have a team of supporters but when they don’t answer the phone or they’re coping with their own hells, I have him. I spend too much time talking to God, not enough time listening. Well “Big Homie” I’m done talking…I open my heart to what you want to tell me. All ears.

I’m too young to experience this second decade crisis -- I digress -- I would go ahead and call it a mid-life crisis but society tells me I can’t have that until I’m 40, but who is to say this isn’t the middle of MY life?

Spiritually I am growing and filling myself with more of the Lord and in this spiritual journey I plan to shut up and listen. I plan to cleanse myself and start anew. I may even switch over to vegetarian. I’m doing this for my own cleansing and beneficial reasons. 

I’ll leave anyone in my position with this, a quote my big sister shared with me, “impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given rather than explore the power they have within them to change it. Impossible is not a fact, its an opinion, impossible isn’t a declaration it’s a DARE!”

 

Is all that we know...?

I've been had. Hoodwinked. Fooled. Led astray. Deceived. Duped. Outwitted and TRICKED.

Damn. Damn. Damn. You think you know a person and then the light is flicked on and who you thought was there, wasn't there at all. 

Vulnerability is the best way for me to explain this. I loved him, well, I loved who I THOUGHT he was. I called him my brother, my friend, my rock and I trusted him with my life, with my thoughts and my secrets. I let him in. HURT. 

If I could talk to him again, I'd be afraid. Fearful because the power I thought he had, he did, just not under the circumstances in which I was ready to deal with. Where will life take you? Why did you fool us? Were your words genuine or was I just a pawn in your game? Answer me! 

Traumatized. I watched my hope walk away in handcuffs. . .

O.P.I nail polish and Erykah Badu

I listened to 2.4 hours worth of Erykah Badu, something from every album. She soothes my inner beast, hell, she just soothes me.

Solitude.

I think I'll use these last two weeks to gather my thoughts, my peace and my intellect. I'm ready to tackle Junior year like God planned for me to do. No more cliques, no more drama, no more extra. People tend to be my downfall because I seem to give people a certain power, pfft, not again.

Twenty minute shower. Scrubbing, thinking, singing, humming, praising, wishing.

Twenty minutes later; clean and happy.

Smelling good, feeling fine.

Enough with Erykah,

lets put itunes on shuffle.

Chrisette Michelle - Mr. Radio.

Yes, sing to me. "is there more than the physical" - over here, yep and that's what draws me in.

I'm all over the place tonight, but I like it. Free and doing me.

I'll be back when what I have to say makes sense...