I'm afraid I do not know what's going on with Blogger anymore, I may have to disable this mickey-flickey and stick with Tumblr. Hmm..

Anyway, quick release of thoughts for 2010;

I've found myself breaking all the rules I set out for myself and since I've disobeyed myself I have no control over my emotions. I feel like I'm 10 all over again, back when I was in love with Carl and too shy to act normal, I acted completely awkward. Never made eye-contact, barely laughed at his jokes - even if they were hilarious, I acted so weird towards the poor boy.

Sad to say I'm doing the same thing 11 years later. Ugh. I'm stupid.

Addiction

Love can overcome many things, addiction is not one.

Everyone has a favorite aunt or uncle, they’re funny and hip, wise and understanding. My favorite aunt happens to addicted to drugs. It’s the only thing that will keep her from her family.

I remember one Christmas after she had been missing for years, she gave me a huge tub of popcorn. Some was caramelized, others were buttered and the rest were covered in cheddar. It wasn’t a toy, it wasn’t money but it was from my aunt. They call us twins.

I was a young child, probably 6 or 7 years old. The next time I saw my aunt, I was in the 7th grade at my great grand-father’s funeral. She stayed for a few months and left. My mom always told me she always came back in enough time to sober up before someone in our family died. The next time she came back was August 2008. She stayed sober for quite a while, up until October 2009, she was on the right path and I knew she was here to stay. My great-aunt died a few weeks after her return in 2008 (my mom was right) and then we dealt with the loss of my grand-father which hurt her. My grand-father wanted nothing more but to see me graduate from Howard University and for my aunt to remain sober. She was doing so well.

Sunday afternoon my mother told me she had been missing and that she had returned to her old habits..

If nothing hurts more than losing your grand-father it’s losing your aunt to drugs. I’m angry and hurt. I called her with every intention of shouting and cursing her horrible habits, no answer.

I feed them with my pen.

I write.

Because I am a writer.

They read because they're starved.

My lines are food for thought,

I got them eating.

Social Isolation, part 2.

There comes a point in every sensible person's life, where you just can't take "the scene" anymore. I'm unfastening my strap and walking away, into the shadows of the edges of campus. It's enough to drive someone insane and I refuse to let this production eat away at my sanity.

No more drama. No more part-time friends. No more trying to fit in when in actuality, I don't like people.

Real Men and the Self-Professed.

How many times have you stumbled across a male that claims to be "the realest (insert "n" word) you'll ever meet"?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we all have. He's the one with "death before dishonor" or something like it inscripted around his chest, arm or back. A real man doesn't have to say he's real, a real man also doesn't have to stamp it on his body because it emanates from his actions.

Like it or not, you don't know too many real men. Your dad may not even carry that title. As a young girl I was born thanks to two real men. Kado Wilks, Sr. (my grandfather) and Isaac Harris (my great-grandfather) - may their souls rest in eternal peace. My grandfather could not stand gossip, but if he heard it he'd tell you - to your face - what he heard and what he thought of it. If your clothes were wrinkled or you had a booger lining your nostrils, he'd tell you. My great-grandfather was the opposite. In all his years he never spoke negatively about another human-being. If Pop thought you were a liar, he simple tuned you out. If Pop thought you were trouble, he never invited you back into his home; and that was all there was to him. Real mean respect women, provide for their families and stay loyal to their friends. Period.

Respecting women is one thing, respecting black women is an entirely different subject. Black women, on a minimal scale; birthed the nation. On a grandiose scale; they birthed nature. If you cannot respect a black woman (who respects herself, because we all know some don't) then you cannot respect yourself, or any other being for that matter. You are not a loyal man if you find yourself engaging in lust with your friend's partner. A real man doesn't just look out for himself, he should and will get himself in the door and then proceed to hold it open for the next person.

A lot of the deceivers carry female tendencies. This being envy, jealously, tittle-tattle and the inability to confront someone with issues that plague them.

I've absolutely had enough of you impostors, you've gone the extra mile to prove you're a real man but, in fact, your extra running about has exhibited how basic you really are.

It is okay young man, all men will not and cannot be real. That's what makes life so interesting.

simultaneously heart-broken.

Ironically, at this very moment my heart has been broken simultaneously, by love and life.

Go figure.

The two things that are told to us, by some pale greater being are that love and life go hand-in-hand they should always make you smile. Pfft, I beg to differ.

Love - at some point in this race, I caught you. Slowed your pace some. Every now and then I catch you trying to run from me, sometimes I wonder if love is afraid or if love just isn't interested in what we've gotten ourselves into. Nevertheless, my feelings for love will never change, not now anyway. Reason being: it only ends in two ways, marriage or heartache. I'm familiar with the latter.

Life - first shattered my soul when it sent my Great-Aunt home, six months later it sent my Grand-father. Life happens and plans are altered, but never like this..

You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice..

"Sometimes you hope too much, then we hope not enough, keep hope alive."

In the beginning I hoped big for something that was seemingly far-fetched. Now, that desire is reality.

Allow me to be weak for a moment, 25 reasons:

1. Batman - The Dark Knight

2. Annie: "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness".

3. Your drunken smile.

4. "who's my favorite girl?"

5. Your love for your friends.

6. Over-sized pancakes.

7. JR. & The other...

8. Carter the bear.

9. Putting my Uggs in row with your shoes :)

10. The Park dates.

11. Your drive.

12. Savannah, Ga.

13. Putting up with my fits.

14. Fat-man Scoop.

15. Growing from a boy to a man.

16. The arms that hold me.

17. "Mann, get off my nuts."

18. Pointer-finger promises.

19. Gypsy eyes.

20. Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Wendy's.

21. Rock Creeks.

22. "Hoedog."

23. Late night talks.

24. Best I Ever Had - Drake

25. Because you are you, always.

Music Monday: Why I Love U So Much - Monica & With U - Monica.

"Morgan loves you even when you don't think she does."

I don't know why you love me, but you do and it makes me love you more.